Crying It Out vs Crying To Sleep

Crying it out and crying to sleep: is there a difference? To me, there is. My interpretation of these phrases probably won’t match every other parent’s interpretation, but I’m going to tell you about it all the same.

To begin with, I am not a supporter of the “cry it out” method. I never have been, and I don’t think I ever will be. Sure, there are times when I am really tired, feel like I have no patience left, and put my daughter in her crib, thinking, “I don’t care how long she cries – she’s staying in there until she goes to sleep!” Once I’ve calmed down, however, I usually go back and get her. Do I think badly of parents who let their children cry it out? Of course not. It’s just not for me.

There is definitely wisdom in knowing when to put a child down and walk away when you are at your wit’s end. I definitely DO support allowing a baby to cry when the alternative is worse. However, I don’t like the idea of putting my baby to bed at the same time every night, regardless of whether she’s ready to go to sleep, and letting her cry as long as it takes for her to fall asleep.

I am a supporter, on certain occasions, of letting my baby cry herself to sleep. I know it probably sounds like I’m contradicting myself when I say this directly after saying I’m not a supporter of the cry it out method. Yes, both involve placing a baby in a crib and allowing the baby to cry until she falls asleep. To me, though, there is a huge difference between letting a baby cry it out and letting a baby cry herself to sleep.

Let me explain my rationale.

To me, crying it out is supposed to serve the purpose of teaching a drowsy baby to go to sleep without help. Parents who do this want their child to learn independence at bedtime. This method can involve a baby crying for quite long periods of time before drifting off to sleep.

In contrast, crying to sleep serves the purpose of letting a baby who will clearly fall asleep within a short amount of time cry for a bit, if necessary, before falling asleep. To me, this method isn’t used to teach a baby anything. It’s used when a baby needs to sleep and no other method – whether it be rocking, shushing, or nursing – is working.

Let me give you an example. This afternoon, I could tell my daughter was exhausted. She was rubbing her eyes, snuggling her face into anything near her head, and was crying very easily. I put her down for a nap, and she closed her eyes almost immediately. A few seconds later, she opened her eyes and began to cry. A few seconds later, she closed her eyes again. This scene repeated over and over.

I could tell by her cry that nothing was wrong. It wasn’t a panicky, hungry, or scared cry, and it didn’t escalate. It was a tired cry. I knew she was tired, and I knew she needed a nap. I decided to wait 15 minutes before picking her up to see what would happen.

Her tired cries came and went for about 10 minutes, each time growing further apart, each time getting softer. By the time the 15 minutes were up, she was asleep.

Had her cries become louder and more hysteric-sounding, I would have gone in to get her. If she cried past the 15-minute mark, I also would have picked her up. It’s not worth it to me to have her cry for 45 minutes, or cry to the point of vomiting. It is worth it to me, however, to let her fuss a little when I know sleep is about to come.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking that my descriptions of crying it out and crying to sleep are the same thing. To me, there is a difference. I want to have children who are good sleepers, but I also want them to know I’ll come if they need me, even if all they need is comfort and security.

Bedtime, Bedtime: What To Do??

I go back and forth a lot on how to handle bedtime with our daughter.

Up until this point, I’ve been very relaxed with our routine. If she seemed tired, I’d let her sleep. If she woke up and wasn’t happy being in bed, I’d take her out and hold her, feed her, or do whatever else it took to make her happy.

In the last month, she settled into a routine by herself. She took naps about the same time each day and went to bed about the same time each day. However, every once in awhile she’ll wake up a couple hours after going to bed for the night, and will not be content. I can tell that she isn’t hungry, her diaper is fine, and she is obviously still very tired. These are the moments when I’m not sure what to do.

Do I pick her up and hold her, which is what she obviously wants? Do I let her be up with us for awhile, knowing full well that she is still tired? Sometimes I think, “Who cares if she is still tired? She wants to be held. Why not hold her?”

Do I let her stay in bed, cry awhile, and hopefully fall back asleep? Is it good for her to realize she can wake up and put herself back to sleep without relying on me to comfort her?

I realize that she eventually needs to be able to get back to sleep on her own. I’m not sure when is the developmentally appropriate time to let her cry it out.

Almost every person I ask has a different answer. There are people who get their babies on a strict schedule within a month of being born. There are some who say after the first four months that a baby is ready to learn to self-soothe. Still others say that parents should always go to their babies when they cry, because responding to those cries gives children an important sense of security that will benefit them the rest of their lives.

I’ve always leaned towards responding immediately to my daughter’s cues. The reason I do that is because I think it is best for her. When she is overly tired, though, and needs sleep, is sleep what is best for her, or is comfort what is best for her?

I also realize that consistency is important for her. If one night I immediately pick her up when she cries, she’ll expect it. If I make her cry for 45 minutes the next time she cries, that might confuse her.

Are the answers ever obvious when it comes to babies?